SANOJ and the Death Note
by Katseester
Summary: Two bored teenagers. Philosophy class. A cracked out idea of genderbending and death. Oh, and a notebook, too. Oh my...


This was co-written with **Deviant Nation**. Yes, we realize we're being highly offensive, but it was Philosophy class. And we were bored. So sue us.

But seriously...yeah, we're pretty much being assholes.

Note: the regular font is Deviant Nation. I'm the bold italics.

* * *

OK. Let's write a story, sentence by sentence!

Once upon a very capitalist, materialist, over-run by corporate dictator time, there was a band called SANOJ, with 3 members farmed from the YENSID Corporation. Their names were Joanne, Karol, and Nikki, and YENSID had them created from test tubes to be the perfect musicians.

_**Ok, first off, Yen Sid is already a Disney character. Second, SANOJ sounds too close to sanchez and it looks offensive. And lastly, you should be paying attention and taking notes. Oh, and you should've brought your stupid lappy. I'm already bored as fuck.**_

OK, so the band SANCHEZ—

_**You bastard—**_

—run by the wizard YENSID from Fantasia was really famous for no apparent reason. Joanne, Karol and Nikki looked like greasy Italians. Like so:

-insert your own image of what greasy Italians look like-

_**So they were Guidos?**_

Yes! Er, Guidettes. And they wore promise rings to make sure they stayed virgins until marriage. Karol was already married to some guy called Mike, so she got laid every night. Joanne and Nikki, however, were extremely sex-deprived and wanted to get laid.

_**So...Joanne had this retarded crush on their makeup artist (who wasn't exactly their "official" makeup artist—they only hired him because he wore lots of glitter) because apparently everyone BUT Joanne knew that Steve—**_

Steve Yagami which if you spell backwards is Steve Imagay!

—_**APPARENTLY EVERYONE BUT JOANNE knew that Steve (the makeup artist) was gay.**_

Now let me describe the band members.

Karol, although fat and ugly, was married.

Nikki, the youngest, was the prettiest, but was flat as a board and could be perceived as a pre-pubescent 12-year-old boy.

Joanne was VERY ITALIAN and looked like a man, but had a huge rack and liked to walk around in a cat suit with high heels. She might or might not actually be a man.

_**And Steve, the makeup artist, dyed his hair silver and wore a Raitoman suit—**_

Um...so Steve is actually Kira.

—_**complete with the feathers. He wore purple and pink makeup, cherry lipgloss, and a SHITLOAD of glitter (and for some reason Joanne though he was straight...?) EVERYWHERE...even down his pants.**_

One day BUTCH Joanne heard that Steve was going on a date and FREAKED out. She called an "emergency" makeup meeting at their studio...AKA their trailer on the YENSID studio lot.

_**Nikki and Karol showed up, but Steve was super-duper late and his hair was mussed and his Raitoman-suit was backwards and the feathers were BENT and HOLY SHIT, it looked like his face-glitter had been LICKED OFF...Joanne was hyperventilating by this point.**_

Joanned screamed "WHY GOD!" and broke into a fit of tears. She grabbed his suit and dragged him to her and screamed: "KIRA...I MEAN STEVE, WHY HAVE YOU BETRAYED ME!"

_**To which Steve replied: "OHMIGAWD DON'T RIP MAH SUIT YOU WHORE!"**_

Joanne kept crying and wiping her snotty nose on Steve's spandex suit and got mascara all over it and Karol and Nikki rolled their eyes and said unanimously: "HE'S GAY YOU RETARD! EVEN HIS LAST NAME INDICATES THIS. YAGAMI? MORE LIKE IMAGAY!"

_**Joanne screamed and wailed: "B-B-BUT—HE WENT ON A DATE WITH A GIRL NAMED JODI! A **__**GIRL**__**!"**_

Steve's eyes narrowed and he said "Ahem. Jodi is a unisex name." And then his eyes got a red evil glare and from his buttcrack he whipped out a deathnote. "BUT NOW THAT YOU ALL KNOW MY SECRET OF BEING GAY, I MUST KILL YOU ALL!"

_**So Steve, revealed as an evil mass-murderer more commonly known as Kira, wrote down Joanne's name in the Death Note: "Joanne Sanchez, hit by a truck...now." And a huge transport crashed through the wall and hit Joanne, killing her instantly.**_

Karol, who was fat and hungry, took a limb of Joanne's body and began roasting it over the burning incindery that was the exploded transport. "Ew," she finally exclaimed: "It tastes like grease."

_**And then Karol keeled over and died of too much grease intake, and Steve...er, Kira, laughed evilly from behind his Death Note where he had inconspicuously written Karol's name.**_

Nikki looked at her two dead sisters and then looked at Steve, shit, I mean Kira and said: "I don't suppose you're interested in a blow job? I look AND feel like a 10-year-old boy."

_**Kira looked quite interested and said, "Alright, c'mere, you pre-pubescent schoolboy." And right before Nikki gave him a blowjob, she snatched the Death Note from Kira's hands and said "I'm amazed. There was only a 13% chance of this working." And then Nikki hunched over and Kira saw her—er, him?—for who she/he really was: L.**_

And then L wrote Steve's/Light Imagay's name in the Deathnote: "Raito-kun Yagami," it said. "Killed in a mass gay orgy. Now." And suddenly 1200 gay men burst through the burning flames of the transport and they fucked Light while on fire and he died from 3rd degree burns coupled with mass anal penetration.

"_**And that," L said, while biting his thumbnail, "is what happens when you cheat on me. Bitch."**_

And then, overcome with depression and grief, he went and seduced Matsuda.

_**And thus started a beautiful relationship filled with rape, sodomy, and apples. Mmm, apples.**_

THE END.

_**We're so going to hell for this.**_

_**---  
**_

We totally are. For everyone who got all the cameos...congratulations? Now go get some eye-soap. I'm sure you need it.


End file.
